Part IV:

I lived life scared and somewhat obsessive-compulsive. Afraid of what may happen if I did this or didn’t do that, but never allowing Him to guide my plans. Letting Him in, but never letting Him walk alongside me. Ever negotiating that I’d proclaim my belief in Him IF this or IF that, and hoping He’d find favor with me because my heart was in the right place. In all actuality, His power and mercy were too big and too great for me to comprehend. He’d reached in and saved my life once, inexplicably, and that scared the you-know-what out of me. I just wanted to stay on His good side. I didn’t want to rock the boat; I just wanted a comfortable life. No surprises. C’mon, God… Just this one, teensy-tiny time? Help a girl out.

And that’s how I know He has a sense of humor.

In all seriousness though, it was in the darkest days of my life that I felt God next to me. I’ve seen His footprints in my sand. He’s carried me often and I’ve never given Him credit.

From the months in an empty apartment after the collapse of my first marriage to my battle with chronic illness and every trial or hiccup in between, I’ve felt Him with me. And despite that, I’ve insisted on searching for answers, direction and confirmation that validated “my way” of doing things, only to have the best-laid plans blow up in my face. There are some things in life so incomprehensibly painful, seemingly without any purpose, but to maim our hearts. But, I assure you, everything points your journey toward something.

For me, my life has been about learning to listen to God’s voice. Only when I relinquish control and make the pivotal decision to listen to Him and His plan for my life (which is a decision I must renew every moment of every day), do I fully and completely understand that He so desperately wants to teach me everything I need to know. He wants me to feel His love. He wants to be more present in my life. But that means I must first let Him in.
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I don’t have this chronic illness life figured out; far from it, in fact. I’m just like you, taking it day-by-day. But it’s time for me to share a bit more about my journey with faith: the encouragement I share comes from a time when God and a little girl touched hands in an operating room many years ago.
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